In a quiet moment on Sunday, I read with interest an article on the fastest-ever hat-trick in Football League history - James Hayter's triple blast in 2 minutes 20 seconds for Bournemouth. It wasn't the longest of articles but the essence of what was written was, as follows. James was able to score three times in that 140 seconds because he didn't indulge in any celebrations that were a cross between a Michael Flatley routine and some ancient fertility rite.
I tried to put Hayter's achievement in perspective. If the average football field is 110 yards or so long, half way line to goal is, a ball park 55 yards. Running at decent speed would mean covering that distance, presuming you got the ball back quickly from the team kicking-off, in around six or seven seconds, add the trot back to the centre circle at a more leisurely pace (say 15 seconds) then multiply the resultant time by two gives us 88 seconds.
Because, obviously, once the third goal went in the clock stopped at 2 minutes 20 seconds, it meant just seven seconds or so between second kick-off and third goal.
That gave James Hayter a total of approximately 45 seconds to execute the scoring of his three goals, ASTONISHING, unless he wears his underpants outside his clothing and changes in phone-boxes.
Scoring goals is the life blood of football, achieving goals is what life is all about and the article I read about James Hayter got me thinking about goals. That target every team sets out to achieve, in every game, whilst giving thought, also, to preventing the opposition from doing exactly the same to them.
This week, in Yorkshire, they laid to rest a bloke who was pretty good at putting the ball in the back of the net, and preventing the opposition from doing likewise, John Charles. Amongst the many football dignitaries paying tribute to 'The Gentle Giant' was another former Leeds player, Peter Lorimer, and it was he that summed up what scoring a goal means, many years ago.
As a kid I was an avid reader of any football magazine I could lay my hand on and, as a hot shot for Leeds and Scotland, Lorimer featured regularly in those magazines. I think I still have most of them and the one article I recall quite clearly was one about Peter in which he was asked 'why do footballers, goalscorers particularly, go crazy when celebrating goals they have just scored? And do remember in those days the whirling arm of Mike Channon or the gladiatorial salute of Denis Law etc, was quite reserved when compared to some of today's pre-ordained and rehearsed celebrations.
Lorimer's replay was a classic and I have yet to see it bettered. He said, and I have to paraphrase somewhat…
'What you have to remember is, as a professional footballer, you train all week and build up to a game with the sole intention of winning, and scoring goals is crucial to that end and the opposition do the same. When all that planning, practice, repeated routine pays off by hitting the back of the net on a match day, despite 11 opponents trying to stop you, is it any wonder we celebrate goals in the way we do?'
And what a shame that James Hayter's parents missed his hat-trick, after coming on as a substitute, because they had left early to miss the traffic.
